The triggers that stop us becoming the best version of ourselves - Over 50 womens fashion
September - “the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness” (John Keats), also a season full of possibilities and new beginnings.
Although January is obviously the start of the New Year and the time we make stupid promises to ourselves that we don’t keep and the time we say that will renew all that has gone wrong in the previous year, September, for me, is the real start to a new year. It is a time that is laced with memories and triggers that can bring about all kinds of emotions. Starting a new school or starting a new school year. The feeling of immense sadness that I used to feel having to step away from the safeness and security of family life, spending my days messing around with my ponies, dogs, chickens and goats, to go back to school, which I hated and in turn, didn’t much like me! The end of glorious summer days spent doing nothing much, to go back to a regimented routine of trying to fit a round peg into a square hole.
But as I have matured, I have grown to love September. In Italy the pace of life slows once again. The tourists thin out, the Italians go back to work and, in Tarquinia, the Romans go back to Rome, leaving a sense of peace and serenity in their place. The sun loses its intense heat and settles to a soft warmth. The olives are getting ready to be picked and the grapes are ripening for their harvest. There is a real sense of life’s cycle going round and the community coming together to do what it does best - producing amazing ingredients for very special products, all made with love, tradition and friendship.
For me, it is also a time of excitement at planning my autumn wardrobe. I start to fold away my summer clothes, leaving some that will carry me through the first part of this season, and getting out my autumn clothes which I have stored in boxes. It is a time to say hello to old friends which have been with me for years and maybe add some new ones to keep my look updated and fresh. But it is amazing when I look through what I have, how often things come back into fashion. As I scroll through shopping sites, or Pinterest boards, I might see something I like and then realise that I have something similar that will work as well, with just a tweak here or there, a new accessory maybe or a different way of styling it to make it look current.
There will usually be something specific I feel I need to add to my wardrobe each season - this season it is something special to wear to my 60th birthday celebrations (more on that later!) - but I try to start my search in the thrift shops first and more often than not, find exactly what I am looking for.
Triggers
But then, there are the triggers that can also crowd into this time of year - the little emotions, feelings, memories, things that you have done in the past, or something someone has said to you. They can stop you in your tracks, cause you to doubt yourself, lose your confidence, fall in on yourself and carry on making you play small and not reaching for a better, more fulfilling life.
Have you ever left the house, feeling absolutely sure that you look your best? You have put on an outfit you love and makes you feel like a million dollars, only walk into room and for someone to say something like “oh well, of course you can afford to dress like that, we can’t all have the money to waste on clothes”, or “well, if I had your figure I suppose I could get away with that, but I am too busy to try and lose weight”? Comments like these are harmless enough on the surface, but they gradually let air out of your balloon of happiness, leaving you deflated, uncertain and insecure. Probably, like me, you will find yourself apologising for being a certain way, or taking time for yourself, deflecting the comments so you don’t hurt their feelings, regardless of the fact they have hurt yours. How many times have you used the well worn phrase “what? this old thing? I have had it for years!”.
The next time you go to an event, or meet that person, I bet you then wear something more “fitting” for the people you are meeting, rather than expressing your own personality and likes. This can happen over and over in our lives, from the moment we are cognisant of the way we dress and old enough to make our own choices.
I remember going to school with a new hair cut. I was so proud of it. My Mother had cut it, with my sister’s help, into a “New Romantic” style - short on the one side and chin length on the other. That was me - I was a New Romantic! I loved the drama and showmanship of the flamboyant styles - the scarves, baggy trousers, pixie boots, flowing shirts! I loved the music and the feeling it gave me to dance to it. It was very daring of me, as the school I went to was a very traditional, conservative, all girls school, where you either became a Lawyer or a housewife! However, as I said before - round peg, square hole! When I got to school that morning, it wasn’t the teachers who made negative comments, in fact I seem to remember my English teacher loving it, but my so called “best friends” were the ones who burst my bubble, deflated my balloon. They laughed at me openly and said that it was sad I hadn’t been able to afford to go to a proper hairdresser, especially at it was obvious my hair needed washing. Cruel words and ones that have stayed with me. I immediately regretted my decision to be daring. I had stepped outside of the box and was suddenly no longer part of the gang. That feeling of wanting to belong to a group and doing everything I could to be liked and accepted thereafter stayed with me for decades. I felt the need to dress in the given uniform of my peers to feel validated. If I did allow my creative and arty side to show, it was in places I knew they wouldn’t be. I followed the crowd, kept my head down and only felt comfortable and happy if I knew that people could look at me and instantly know what “tribe” I belonged to.
The crazy things it, to dress like a"New Romantic" took courage, creativity, confidence and self believe, so why did I act in the opposite way when faced with their distain?
In Style Coaching, we spend a lot of time looking into what these old triggers are and why they still affect us. We look at how to re-frame our thoughts and our language to overcome them and finally step into the people we should be - ourselves. It can be an emotional journey, but the lightness and feeling of freedom that comes from slaying those dragons is immense. The onward journey of finding how to be ourselves and to dress only for that person is exciting and liberating.
One thing that is important to remember at all times though, is what other people say to you - the cruel or thoughtless comments - comes from their own insecurities and problems and NOT yours. They are reflecting on to you those insecurities as a way of validating themselves. Now I understand that - and this comes with age, practice and self confidence - I can shrug those comments off and feel sorry that they still have to work through their issues.
If you would like to discover more about Style Coaching and Style Therapy to begin your journey to revealing the real you, I would be honoured to talk to you about it and start this journey with you.
Click the link below to find out more about Therapy Through Style -
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